The Hunter's Guide To The Rift
by mrscastielftw
Summary: This is the epic tale of a fangirl's desperation to see all her favorite characters fictionally alive and well, as they go on a madcap adventure that takes them from West Allis, Wisconsin all the way to Wales and quite possibly to the end of the universe


**Title:** The Hunter's Guide To The Rift  
><strong>Author:<strong> mrscastielftw

**Betas:** mizra and hezio2 (Any and all remaining errors are mine)  
><strong>Rating:<strong> PG – 13 (Language)  
><strong>Characters:<strong> Dean, Castiel, Sam, Gabriel, Crowley, Bobby, Captain Jack, Ianto, Tosh, Owen, And A Special Appearance By Myfanwy Plus Many, Many More! (Torchnatural/Superwood)  
><strong>Genre:<strong> IDK…But I Am Going To Say A Weird Attempt At Fluffy Crack AU Of Season 6 (Starting With 06x10) With An Accidental Touch Of Angst And Melodrama…Maybe…Or Not…Okay, Yes *Shrugs*  
><strong>Spoilers:<strong> Season 6 For Supernatural And Season 2 Torchwood  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> (No Serious Warnings) Canon, I Don't Need Your Stinking Canon!  
><strong>Word Count:<strong> 12,830  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I own nothing. I just borrowed it and I will return it when I am finished – unfortunately. I am making no money from this work of fiction. All recognizable characters and material belong to their respective creators.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Archeologist and university professor, Indiana Jones, must retrieve the mythic Lost Ark of the Covenant before it gets into the hands of Adolf Hitler, who plans on using its power to guarantee his global conquest…Wait, crap - That's the plot of _Raiders Of The Lost Ark_. What I meant to say is this is the epic tale of a fangirl's desperation to see all her favorite characters fictionally alive and well, as they go on a madcap adventure that takes them from West Allis, Wisconsin all the way to Wales and quite possibly to the end of the universe.

**Author's Note:** Although, Supernatural and Torchwood are the fandoms most prominently and lovingly abused utilized for this fanfic, no fandom is safe and I have many random references and quotes tucked into the delicate mess that is this fic. Be on the lookout for _The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy_, William Shakespeare, and many, many more. Hey, I limited myself to only one quote from _The Princess Bride_. Also, for the purposes of this fic, the apocalypses are as follows: Apocalypse 1: Humanity Strikes Back, Apocalypse 2: Return Of The King Of Hell, and Apocalypse 3: The Wrath Of Gabriel.

**Author's Note 2:** This would not be possible without the love, patience, and support of my f-list, especially mizra, hezio2, and strange_quirk.

****~~*Preface*~~****

Two fandoms, both alike in dignity, in the fair hearts of fangirls and fanboys, where we lay our scene. From ancient canon breaks new angst, where unfavorable plot points make writers' and show runners' hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of Eric Kripke and Russell T. Davies, a group of characters, many who lost their fictional lives, whose misadventued piteous overthrows do with fanfiction bury their fans' strife. The fearful passage of their death-mark'd OTPs, and the continuation of the fans' rage, which but episode codas and crack!fics could remove, is not the traffic on our stage. That which if you with patient hearts attend, what here shall miss, fanfiction writers shall strive to mend.

****~~*Prologue*~~****

These fandoms have – or rather had – a problem, which was this: most of the fans were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the many uses of the stopwatch, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the users of the stopwatch that were unhappy.

And so the problem remained; lots of the fans were bored, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with suspenders. Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in following canon in the first place.

And then, one Thursday, nearly six years after one man had gone to Stanford to find his brother, so the two of them could set out to find their father, one girl sitting on her own in a small cafe suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how all of the fans could be made wondrously happy. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to worry about the lack of glasses, suspenders, stopwatches, or waistcoats.

Sadly, however, before she could get to her LiveJournal to tell anyone about it, a series of terribly awful catastrophes occurred in canon, and the idea was lost forever.

This is not her story.

But it is the story of terrible awful catastrophes that occurred in canon and one of the stories written as its consequence.

It is also the story of a book, a book called _The Hunter's Guide to the Rift_ – not an Earth book, never published on Earth, and until the terrible catastrophes occurred, never seen or heard of by any hunter.

Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable book.

Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly successful one – more popular than the _Midday Moon_, better selling than _And Then They Kiss_, and more controversial than _APR_.

In many of the more relaxed communities on LiveJournal, the _Hunter's Guide_ has already supplanted the great _Sonic Encyclopedia_ as the standard repository of all knowledge, canon, fanon, and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper, due to the fact it is fictional; and secondly it has the word _Bollocks_ inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.

But the canon that led to this terrible, dreadful Thursday, the story of its extraordinary consequences in fanfiction, and the story of how these consequences are inextricably intertwined with this remarkable book begins very simply.

It begins with a hallway.

****~~*In A Corridor Where You Find Yourself Now Blocked **

**By A Door You Locked*~~****

The inside of the building was all sharp angles and chrome, looking decidedly clinical and sterile. The only reminders of anything living were the faint sounds echoing from the street outside. His trench coat billowed around his legs as he made his way to the end of the hall. Door 819 was altogether unremarkable from the outside, but contained something unimaginable.

The door swung open before he had even raised his hand to knock and he was greeted by a girl in her mid-twenties, who immediately waved him inside. She slowly began to back away from him as she hesitantly spoke, "He has retired for his evening brandy in the study."

The interior of the apartment was as drastically different as possible. It rivaled the opulence of any gothic mansion and seemed to suit it's owner far better than the clinical exterior. He made his way down the hall and stopped at a room illuminated by firelight. He noticed his host standing behind one of the grand armchairs nestled by the fireplace.

"Evening, Castiel." He paused waiting for some acknowledgment, "Not going to mention how incendiary I look?"

Castiel narrowed his eyes, "I apologize for temporarily reducing you to ashes, but it was necessary to ensure that all parties believed the ruse."

"See, that there…" Crowley strolled over to Castiel and placed a hand on the angel's shoulder, "I'm not entirely convinced that believing the ruse is all we need. Are you sure that they'll even make the trip for you? Because from what I've seen lately, the Winchesters aren't as fond of their little winged pet anymore. I wouldn't be at all surprised if they told you to bugger off."

Castiel's hands balled into fists and he stepped closer to Crowley, "They. Will. Come."

"I think my favorite part of this misguided little display of loyalty, is that while you're here defending the Winchesters' honor, they haven't even thought about you once since Sammy became a real boy again."

As he saw Castiel reaching for his sword, Gabriel stepped forward, "Boys, boys I am sure we can work this all out _after_ we discuss the plan."

"What's to discuss, as long as our little cherub can secure us access to the gateway and actually _deliver_ the Winchesters to the rendezvous point, we are good as gold," Crowley sneered.

Castiel glared defiantly at his brother and the demon, "Do not question the loyalty of the Winchesters and do not question the fact that if you continue down this path, you will not like what you find at the end."

Gabriel was growing impatient, "Amigos, friends, comrades, ffrindiau…Lend me your ears. I come here today to tell you to shut the hell up. First, we have a time sensitive plan here and second, at some point I would like to be able to acknowledge that, yes, I am alive. Most importantly, I need to be able to leave this apartment. Even a gilded cage is still a cage. Seriously, how did you guys manage without me here to pay referee? Castiel, we have everything ready on our end. You just need to let Dean and Sam know what's expected of them and handle the gatekeeper. You're the only one that can manage that. Sorry bro, but if this plan doesn't work as well as we hope, then Crowley and I need to stay hidden as long as we can. Live to fight another day and all that. Plus, let's just say our eccentric gatekeeper has certain…"

Crowley smirked and supplied, "…_preferences_. And you have all the right…_qualifications_. Actually, it should prove to be most entertaining to see how he will get along with Dean, since they seem to share so many similar _interests_."

Cas tilted his head, "I assure you, I have no idea to what you are referring." With the sudden sound of feathers Cas was gone.

"You know, at first I thought he just did that whole vanishing sans goodbye thing, because he was new to the whole civilized communication thing, but I am starting to think he may just be rude."

"Well, he did learn manners from Dean," the demon added.

****~~*The Good Old Days, The Honest Man; The Restless Heart, **

**The Promised Land, A Subtle Kiss That No One Sees*~~****

Standing outside of a motel in West Allis, Wisconsin Cas sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was almost positive Gabriel had written the message he was to deliver to the Winchesters as some elaborate joke, but with his limited frame of reference to all things pop culture he couldn't be certain. It pained Cas to doubt his brother, but Gabriel had time and again earned that doubt, especially if the end result would be making Cas look foolish. He vowed there and then that when the re-apocalypse was over he would learn all the useless trivial references he could. Let them try and fool him then. He would truly have the last laugh, but for now he had a job to do. He concentrated and used his grace to project a hologram of himself inside the motel room in a long white robe.

Dean jumped, "Cas? Cas are you alright?" Dean ran his hand through the hologram. "Shit."

"Hello Dean. Sam. Years ago, you served my father in the apocalypse. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the re-apocalypse. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but Heaven has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to stop Raphael alone has failed. I have placed information vital to the survival of Team Free Will into the memory systems of Sam's laptop. He will know how to retrieve it. You must see this information safely delivered to me in Cardiff. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Dean Winchester. You're my only hope." The hologram faded and both brothers turned to stare at each other.

Dean gave Sam a soft punch in the arm, "It's your fault. You just had to mock him with the plot of _Raiders Of The Lost Ark_."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Dean that isn't fair. Things that I did while I was soulless should not be brought up again, just so you can win an argument."

Dean actually doubled over with laughter, "Bitch."

"Jerk. I'll check the laptop." Sam started his computer and quickly noticed that there was a shortcut to folder entitled "Super Secret Angel Mission To Postpone, Divert, Or Stop The Re-Apocalypse" and that his desktop background had been altered from _The Steps Of Montmartre_ by Brassai to a picture of himself that was severely lacking in clothing, but did include a strategically placed turkey.

He decided to deal with the folder first, inside he found to electronic tickets that would transport them to Cardiff, there where detailed maps, and instructions to meet Cas at the Cardiff Tourist Information office at the Plas Roald Dahl. There was also a list of things they need to take with them. Sam swallowed hard, getting the first thing on the list meant going to see Bobby.

Bobby being Bobby had instantly forgiven Sam for the whole attack and everything, simply stating it was going to take more than some overgrown kid to take him out especially in his own house. Sam still felt that he would never make it up to Bobby or himself. Saying, "My bad, I didn't have a soul," was the truth, but it never felt like enough. He showed Dean the list and they packed up the Impala and head to Sioux Falls. 

****~~*Stars Shining Bright Above You*~~****

Cas entered the dream of and found himself watching man dressed in a great military coat sitting by the bay watching a Pteranodon soaring across the sky. Cas moved to stand beside the man who turned and said with a wolfish grin, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not one to complain about a magnificent blue eyed man showing up in my dreams, but what exactly are you doing here? I know dream walking isn't illegal until the forty-sixth century, but it is still quite rude."

"My name is Castiel and I am an angel of the Lord."

"The only angels I know resemble statues and feed off energy."

"Ah, that would be the result of my brother Gabriel playing a prank on 'the management.' His pranks tend to be ill thought out and cause copious amounts of damage. I can assure you that I do not require sustenance."

"Always good to know."

"We require your assistance. The fate of the world rests in your hands Jack Harkness."

"It generally does. What kind of assistance are we talking about?"

"I would like to inspect the rift and then we would like to attempt to contact our allies through the rift."

"Tall order. Meet me at the Hub and we can discuss this further. I'm not promising anything, but I will hear your request. You know, this reminds me of the time, I was just back from touring the galaxy with his gorgeous keyboard player, Hotblack Desiato. Very skilled hands. He started regularly dropping in for dream dates. Though, as it turns out, he was spending most of the year dead for tax reasons and had very limited options for…dates, which made it slightly less flattering, but no less fun." Jack winked at Cas then turned and stared dreamily at the sky. The angel left as abruptly has he had appeared.

****~~*Keep You Apart Deep In My Heart Separate From The Rest, **

**Where I Like You The Best And Keep The Things You Forgot*~~****

The boys decided it was best to spend some time at the salvage yard and get whatever intel they could from Bobby before heading off into the great unknown. Dean tried to remember all the times they had been in this position before, running to Bobby for guidance as they watched the moments tick down until time for the big mission. Dean almost wanted to laugh. It seemed after every battle won, every unstoppable force stopped, and every Herculean task completed, life still threw them to the lion's den. A few years ago, Dean actually believed that he and Sam would find their dad, kill the Yellow Eyed Demon, and then, they could just be a family. Now, with the re-apocalypse hanging over their heads, when would it end? Was there ever going to be a chance for them to grow old, ride off into the sunset, have an honest to goodness house with a picket fence, and not have to fight for everyday that they are still above ground? Nothing for a Winchester was ever tied up in a neat little package like that, but after everything they had been through, Dean was going to fight for them and they would save the world again. After all, that was the Winchester way.

The house had seen better days; in fact Dean hadn't seen it look this bad since he came back from Hell. He remembered joking that Bobby's parents must have been out of town, but he was definitely not joking now. Every surface was covered empty liquor bottles, expensive silk ties, and pocket squares. As Bobby moved about, clearing an area for them to sit, they both noticed that underneath Bobby's loose flannel jacket was a finely tailored waistcoat, though neither of them mentioned it.

Sam stood stiffly, his body still felt foreign, it was confining and it never seemed to fit just right. He felt like all the energy built up inside was just waiting to find a weak spot and burst out him. He couldn't look Bobby in the eye. He had forced Dean to tell him in graphic detail everything he had done while his soul was still in the cage. He remembered flashes and snippets of the events, but it was more akin to muscle memory and déjà vu then any real knowledge of what occurred. Sam actually thought that not remembering was worse, because it meant that his imagination took over from there.

Losing someone that he loved made Bobby put things into perspective and he turned towards Sam and could tell the younger Winchester was working up the courage to apologize again. "Listen boy, it wasn't you. As long as you don't plan on try again, consider the slate wiped clean."

Sam sighed, "Bobby, I…" Bobby held up a hand to stop him, "Okay, I get it. Clean slate. Just I'm sorry and thanks for still being here."

Dean coughed, "Before we get to the hair braiding portion of the evening, we need to discuss our latest re-apocalypse mission."

"How can I be of service to Heaven this time?" Bobby sneered. Wouldn't anyone let him grieve in peace? He also felt extremely relieved that Castiel hadn't come himself, because Bobby could not be held responsible for his actions toward the angel. Though, they would probably have involved turning his wings into throw pillows.

"Cas needs us to bring him a book and he said you'd have it. Apparently, the big bad is about to go down and we need to go kick its ass, again."

Sam furrowed is brow, "It is 'The Hunter's Guide To The Rift.' I checked dad's journal and there wasn't any record of it so…" Bobby looked confused and then walked off without saying a word.

"Sam, what should we do? Hallmark doesn't exactly make a 'Sorry Our Angel Killed Your Boyfriend, Who Happened To Be The King Of Hell, While We Watched And Couldn't / Maybe Didn't Want To Stop It' card. Should you go talk to him, because this is definitely above my pay grade?"

Sam shot Dean a death glare as Bobby returned carrying a book. The older man looked completely different. His eyes were bright and clear, he held his shoulders back, and he had an actually smile on his face. "I'll be damned." He reached the book to Sam and then showed him a letter that had been tucked inside the cover. "It was in his things. After the…I could touch them for a long time…"

As Bobby trailed off, Sam unfolded the letter, which was written on official King of Hell stationary and read:

_Love, _

_Remember no fiddle contests until I return, I fear I am the only one bloody foolish enough to let you win. _

_Please inform the darling Winchester lads that they are to bring this book with them to meet Castiel and should they run into any trouble they are to use the codeword "Torchwood." _

_I do apologize for my sudden absence and I fully plan to make it up to you over a very nice dinner and a large tumbler of Scotch. _

_Kisses, _

_C_

Sam was speechless. He shoved the letter at Dean, who blurted out, "Well, that's surprising news. So Bobby, what do you know about Torchwood?"

"I know that they operate outside the government and beyond the police…" He proceeded to fill them in on all the rumors that surrounded the secret organization, which evidently dealt with aliens, rift in space and time, and had the world's biggest flirt for a director. It seems the guy has a thing for dark haired men with blue eyes and something about that made Dean very uneasy. He tried not to think about it too much as they made their final preparations and began the journey to meet Cas.

****~~*You're Waiting To Start, Waiting To Light, Wait Until Dark*~~****

Castiel found himself on an abandoned street in Cardiff beneath a single street lamp. He wanted more than anything to be riding in the Impala following Dean and Sam wherever the road takes them, but his mission came first. "Baziel. Brother, I have news."

Baziel appeared in the traditional uniform of the cherubim, which was a cloud of fog that covered him from navel to knee. Castiel always thought there were so many things in creation that he was especially thankful to his Father for, but at this moment he was most thankful for clouds of fog. He was then crushed in a torturous show of affection which squeezed all coherent thought from him.

After being released, Cas carefully moved farther away from his overeager subordinate. "I need you to find 'Luke' and 'The Emperor' then tell them that 'Han Solo' agreed to meet and further discuss any assistance that he may provide on our quest to find the 'Death Star.' I will contact them once I have a concrete answer about our proposition." Cas silently hoped that Baziel wouldn't ask him to explain the message. Gabriel had mentioned something about it being a reference to them as siblings, Crowley as the main bad guy, Jack Harkness as a badass captain, and the place everyone was trying to break into. But like all of Gabriel's rants, it made little to no sense.

The cherub saluted, "As you wish," and vanished into the night. Cas made a mental note to add suspenders to the official cherubim uniform. Fog just wasn't sturdy enough.

****~~*Could There Be Love Beneath These Wings*~~****

Trapped on a plane and hurdling through the air was not Dean's idea of a good time. Trapped on a plane and hurdling through the air over water made him want to scream and try to pinch himself until he wakes up from this heinous nightmare. "Listen, I know I was pushy and horrible to everyone, but I couldn't breathe, I couldn't rest until you got your soul back. Admittedly, part of that was, because I thought you were going to murder me in my sleep, but mostly, I just couldn't lose you, Sammy. I lost you for a year and felt like I was down in that hole with you. I should have handled everything better, I just couldn't…" Dean paused. He felt the moment was getting dangerously emotional. "Damn it. I just want to know how many international flights I am going to be forced to go on before I am square with karma again!" The plane lurched and Dean clutched the armrest.

Sam desperately tried to suppress a giggle, "Maybe you could try humming. That worked before."

****~~*** **I Got Another One To Tell You And Another One To Make You Believe*~~****

Jack sat in his office contemplating his recent dream visitor. He had tried to concentrate, but the impending meeting with an angel made it impossible for him to even make a dent in his never ending pile of paperwork. Every single page seemed to take hours to complete and the morning dragged on. A soft rustling sound alerted him to a presence in his office, looking up he saw the gorgeous man from his dream.

"Captain Harkness, I presume."

"Call me Jack," He said with a leer.

"Jack, I have come to discuss utilizing the rift in order to recreate certain events which led to my brother escaping from Purgatory. If we are indeed able to reestablish the connection, we will be able to gather an army to defend humanity then put an end to the re-apocalypse, once and for all."

"Slow down. Your brother escaped from the rift without any of our sensors picking it up?"

"He is an archangel and he used his grace to mask the rift energy. He is very gifted when it comes to the manipulation of electronic devices. I believe he also manifested several pounds of chocolate to distract your Pteranodon."

"That explains Myfanwy's mystery illness a few weeks ago. You need to know apocalypse or not, I cannot allow you to open the rift."

"Technically, this is the re-apocalypse. The apocalypse was averted over a year ago. We are certain that we could use our grace to control the time and location of the next natural fissure. Jack, we are fighting to save this world, to save people. We would not knowingly put anyone in jeopardy. This is our last and best hope. Without your help, I fear we are doomed."

Jack took a moment to think it over, "I'm going to need to know all the details of this plan and since the rift is Torchwood's responsibility, I want my team monitoring. I'm going to keep my eye on you. You're going to need a cover story for while you're here. Let's just say due to our history with 'angels,' they aren't looked at fondly and it would be best to keep that on a need to know basis."

"Agreed."

****~~*Make Up Something To Believe In Your Heart Of Hearts, **

**So You Have Something To Wear On Your Sleeve Of Sleeves*~~****

Ianto made his way out of the archives and headed towards the tourist office where he would be spending the rest of the day. He found Tosh and Owen freshly back from scouting a rift spike in Splott and huddled at Tosh's work station. He moved closer to his whispering co-workers and overheard the medic say, "Why is it always blokes? What I would give for there to be some gorgeous bird visiting. Especially now that Jack and Teaboy are doing whatever it is their doing and please God may I never walk in on it."

Tosh blushed, "Just be glad Gwen isn't here. She would probably force us to play truth or dare."

"If Jack has his way, we'll all be playing spin the bottle." Ianto smiled as the others jumped. "And he cheats."

Owen turned to him, "So, who's the guy?

"No idea."

"Come on, do you really expect me to believe you don't know?" Owen arched his eyebrow.

Before Ianto could answer, Jack called for him to join them in the office. He winked at Owen as he made his way up to Jack's office.

"Ianto Jones, this is Castiel Adams. Castiel will be staying with us for a few days. Will you get him setup in one of the rooms? He is going to be requiring some clothes as well."

"Of course, sir. Mr. Adams, if you will accompany me please. We will take care of the clothing first and then get you settled into one of Dignitary Suites." People questioned many things about Captain Jack Harkness' leadership of Torchwood, but the one thing no one questioned was the captain's ability to schmooze visiting alien dignitaries. In fact, Jack's last party is still making headlines on Betelgeuse 5. However, that was most likely directly related to the magically healing coffee Ianto served to combat killer hypervodka hangovers.

****~~*I'm Standing In Your Line, I Do Hope You Have The Time*~~****

Once they exited the plane, Dean thought the worst of the journey was over, but then he saw the line to get through customs. The line infinite and he was pretty sure this was how he dies. Demons? Witches? Angels? The apocalypse? The re-apocalypse? Nope, it's old age that was going to get Dean Winchester, because he was never getting out of this line. Sam was calmly checking to make sure he had everything he needs to expedite the whole process, but what does that matter, they were never going to escape the evil that was this _queue_. Sam was a douche. Dean really considered knocking his passport out of his hands.

Before he could, Dean's brief jetlag induced rage was interrupted by the customs agent beckoned them forward, but not across the yellow line. Never across the yellow line. "Passports." They handed everything over and as the agent glanced through their passports he asked, "Where will you be staying?"

"Uh…with…our…friend?" Dean panicked. How do you describe your relationship with the angel that pulled you out of Hell, fought beside you to save the world, kicked your ass when you needed it, gave up everything, and did it all for you in everyday terms? Plus, Cas doesn't exactly have an actual last name.

"Address?"

For a second, Dean had the urge to just point up towards Heaven, but that probably wouldn't go over well, so he decided to let Sam handle it from there.

"He didn't give us an exact address, but he said to mention 'Torchwood' if we had any trouble."

The agent handed them back all their paperwork, "Bloody Torchwood, get out of my sight."

****~~*Save Some Face, You Know You've Only Got One **

**Change Your Ways While You're Young*~~****

Clothing had never been that important to Cas. He was a leader and strategist, he didn't have time to dwell on such trivial matters, though he had come to appreciate the multitude of pockets he currently possessed. His favorite was inside his suit jacket, where he kept the amulet that had failed them so spectacularly. He had meant it when he told Dean the amulet was worthless, but after losing Sam to the cage, Dean to a new life, and his brothers to Heavenly politics, Cas had reconsidered its real value and retrieved it. It was true that the amulet would never work to find God, but it had worked to show him a reason to keep fighting and, in that way, it was a beacon illuminating his true path. When all seemed lost and the road was full of perils, he grasped it in his hand and thought about all the events the amulet has been a part of, both big and small - all the Christmases spent waiting, all the first days of school, all the friends made and lost in the course of a hunt, all the monsters defeated, all the hustled games of pool, all the slices of pie, and his favorite, the day an angel truly understood what it meant to be family. He planned one day to return it to Dean and tell him what it has meant to him. He hoped that day would signify his last spent fighting and he would finally be able to choose to stay with Dean, to be home.

Everything hinged on this mission. This was how he was going to save the world and it was his way out of conflict. So, if everyone else was too preoccupied by clothing and he needed to fit in to succeed, then he was going to adapt. A short walk later, they entered into a sea of silk, wool, and tweed. Every color in the rainbow spread out and waiting to be tried.

Ianto saw the confused look in the other man's eyes and tried to make small talk, "So, how long will you be joining us?"

"Until the mission is completed or I am killed by one of my brothers."

Ianto was unflappable as always, "Family issues can be difficult. How do you feel about blue?" He held up various ties to Cas and considered each one.

"I have no strong feelings about blue," he watched as one by one the ties were separated into piles.

"Well, the tie you're wearing now is blue and it is definitely your color." The pile of blue ties was growing significantly, "Do you have anyone waiting on you back home?"

"Everyone is waiting on the outcome of this operation."

"No, I mean a significant other?"

"Dean is significant."

Ianto smiled, "How does Dean feel about blue?"

"I believe he has a favorable opinion of it."

Cas had told Ianto about the Winchester brothers and that it was very possible that they would join Cas during this mission. Ianto was disappointed to learn that Dean seemed more like a clueless workmate and less like a significant other. However, Ianto had always found that a well tailored suit could work wonders when it came to getting a certain someone to notice you. After Cas had tried on almost every suit in the store, Ianto paid for their selections, dressed Cas in an amazing black pinstriped suit with a waistcoat, white shirt, and brilliant striped blue tie, then they headed back to the Hub.

****~~*He Likes The Way That You Look Now, Like An Open Book*~~****

There are few things that brightened Jack Harkness' day as much as a man in a suit, but when Jack glanced up to find two delectably outfitted men descending on the invisible lift, he was pretty sure this was one of the most glorious days since the first game of hide and seek. "I must say, I highly approve of the new look."

Ianto answered in his most professional voice as they stepped off the lift, "Your approval is appreciated as always, sir. Where are the others?"

"Weevil hunt. Could take hours. I could always think of something for the three of us to do while we wait." Jack grinned as a blush crept up Ianto's neck.

"Sir, I think the most prudent course of action would be to show Mr. Adams to his suite and let him get settled."

"You never let me have any fun." Jack turned to Cas, who had been until this point content to just watch the exchange with a perplexed look, "I fully intend to let you go to the room and get everything sorted, but first can I ask small favor?"

The angel considered the request, "Anything within reason."

Jack batted his eyes, "I am always within reason. Could Ianto try on your trench? I am working on a scenario where he's gruff underpaid overworked detective and I'm an international jewel thief with a heart of gold and reputation for always getting what I'm after." When Cas didn't refuse, Jack grabbed the coat and began pushing Ianto's arms in the sleeves. Unfortunately, before Jack had a chance to admire his handiwork, the alarm sounded alerting them to visitors in the tourist office.

"Duty calls." Ianto turned and made his way up to the office.

****~~*And You Feel Just Like A Tourist*~~****

Dean and Sam made their way into the immaculate Cardiff Tourist Information office and began browsing around the place wondering when Cas would materialize. They heard a door somewhere in the back of the office and the sound of someone approaching. Dean tensed and turned to Sam who nodded as they prepared for an attack. The brothers knew Cas was never one to use doors and would have just appeared in front of them.

Relief washed over Dean immediately as the sight of the angel's well-worn trench coat came into view. Dean had come to both love and despise the coat. The ever present and never changing coat signified Cas' otherworldliness. Though Dean was adamant that Cas was too good to be a mere human, the coat also represent everything that in Dean's mind meant that Cas was too good for them and, more importantly, him.

"Sorry for the delay, how may I assist you?"

That caught Dean's attention. The voice was all wrong. He stared into blue eyes that certainly did not belong to their friendly neighborhood angel. Before he was even aware of reacting, he launched forward forcing the imposter into the wall and holding his forearm across the man's throat. "Where's Cas and what the hell are you doing with his coat?"

"Ah, you must be Dean and Sam. We've been expecting you." As Dean released him, Ianto made his way to the counter and pressed the button opening the doorway to the Hub, "Mustn't keep them waiting."

When Dean saw the angel, he practically sprinted over to him stopping just short of completely invading his personal space. He began checking Cas over for injuries or any sign that something was amiss. Several moments passed before Dean noticed that Cas wasn't in his normal tax accountant get up. "Cas, what's going on? You get a promotion?"

The man to Cas' right spoke, "Welcome to Torchwood. I'm Captain Jack Harkness." Jack's eyes moved from Dean to Cas and he noted the soul penetrating gaze currently engaging them, "I will just check on Ianto and give you all a chance to catch up."

****~~*Find A Brand New Way Of Seeing Your Eyes Forever Glued To Mine*~~****

Jack made his way up to the tourist office to allow the boys sometime to discuss why they had been brought here, which meant he was going to watch the scene unfold on CCTV. Watching Dean and Castiel stare longingly at each other had been interesting to say the least. "Ianto, you should have seen them. They are worse than we ever were, even before you finally gave into my unstoppable charm and powerful charisma."

"Oh, you mean when I finally decided that if we were together, I would incur considerably less paperwork, then if I actually reported you for harassment."

"You're so romantic."

"Do you think it would help if we gave them a stopwatch?"

"I don't think they'd even know how to use it."

****~~*Remember How We Thought If We Followed **

**The Dots It Would Stop All The Accidents*~~****

Back in the Hub, Dean continued to hover about the angel, "Cas, man, who was that guy? How have they been treating you? I don't like the way he kept looking at you. It was like you where a piece of meat. Dude, didn't anybody teach him that it's not polite to stare?" Dean gazed intensely into the exceptionally gorgeous blue depths of Cas' eyes.

Sam took in the scene and threw Dean bitchface #481 better known as '_Dean Is Being Ridiculous About His Epic Love For Cas And Criticizing Other Men For Noticing His Angel_.' "Dean, I'm not so sure you are the right person to point out how rude it is to stare. Cas, why exactly are we here? For that matter, what is this place?"

"This place guards a rift in space and time that we will use to reach Purgatory and raise an army to stop the apocalypse. Now, we must contact the others." He turned abruptly, "Baziel. Brother, we need you."

The cupid appeared wearing his new uniform complete with dark blue suspenders and black rimmed glasses. The glasses had been suggested to him by Gabriel, who told him that it would help him fit in. "You called."

"Baziel, it's time. Tell the others that I have found the droids they're looking for. Dean, please give Baziel the book I asked you to bring." With a confused look on his face, Dean retrieved book from Sam's backpack and handed it to the cupid. The only sound was a flutter of wings, and Baziel was gone. Cas looked back at the Winchesters, "We must wait until they arrive."

"I got to say, Cas, as Interim Director of Heaven, you've really got everybody embracing the nerd angel thing. Too bad he didn't have a place to put a pocket protector." When his joke fell flat, Dean continued, "So, what's with the book? Why'd we have to lug it all the way here? You do realize over half of the book is just blank pages and not even Sam could read it."

Cas looked at them thoughtfully, "The book was a gift that Gabriel made for our Father. It records the events of the story as they unfold. Father has decided to take a much needed vacation and see the world He created, but He hates to disappoint His readers. This way the next book will not be delayed by His travels and it will also be something called a 'crossover.' The text is written in a language that Gabriel invented, thus reducing the risk that anyone would 'accidently' publish spoilers about the unreleased material." The angel smiled sadly and continued, "The book will be safer if it rests with Baziel until the conclusion of this apocalypse." The angel smiled sadly and continued, "It has been growing steadily more difficult to evade Raphael and I knew it would not be safe to transport the book through angelic means. We were fortunate in that my brothers tend to underestimate humans."

****~~*Someone's Always Coming Around Here Trailing Some New Kill*~~****

Jack and Ianto made their way back accompanied by a lovely woman in a pencil skirt and an angry yellow slime covered gentleman who oozed slightly with each step. The slimy man glared at the unknown inhabitants of the room, "Not a bleeding word. Not a bleeding word from anyone," with that he stormed off.

They quietly waited until the sound of squishing shoes grew faint and, of course, Jack was the first to end the silence, "That, gentlemen, was our dedicated physician and I assure you that his bedside manner is even worse."

Dean smirked, "Okay, note to self, don't get sick."

"Or injured. Come to think of it, you're probably safer if never need any routine medical care." Ianto said dryly.

Jack caught the younger Winchester by the arm and felt appreciatively of Sam's bicep as he led him over to Tosh's work station, "You seem like a strapping young lad that appreciates research. Let me introduce you to our resident techno-goddess Tosh. Tosh this is Sam."

Tosh extended her hand, "It lovely to meet you. It's rare we…"

Jack quickly cut off what she was about to say, "So what exactly is the story between those two?" He gestured towards where Dean and Cas stood conversing with Ianto.

"How much time do you have?"

"That bad?"

"Well, first there is the constant passionate soul blazing eye-sex. Then you have all the layers of inner turmoil – I am just a human, I'm not worthy, he's an angel, I went to Hell, I'm the Sherriff of Heaven, I don't understand that reference, and he deserves better. I'm kind of worried that I'm going to have to breakdown and lock them in a room together at some point. It's like I'm stuck with two star-crossed twelve year olds that are too scared for the 'do you like me or do you like-like me' conversation. And so they stare."

"Sometimes being in extreme situations can push you to admit your feelings, when you normally wouldn't." Tosh said sympathetically.

"I wish it was that easy, but this is our second apocalypse and if the apocalypse doesn't make you man up and grab your angel, I don't know what will." Sam found his own thoughts drifting briefly to his favorite angel, Gabriel, and sorrow filled his heart.

Jack asked Castiel to explain the plan to Tosh. Cas gave her the same general details that he had given Jack and insisted that they wait until the others arrived before he told them anything else. A somber mood settled over the Hub and everyone quietly made small talk until the sudden entrance of a clean, but, if possible, even more pissed off Owen.

"Oi Harkness, exactly when did we become the lost and found for American tourists?" When he didn't get an answer, Owen grabbed his coat and to the door, "I'm off to Tesco for plasters and biscuits. The lot of you can sod off."

****~~*We're Caught Up In The Crossfire Of Heaven And****Hell*~~****

A supposedly dead archangel and a recently barbecued demon mysteriously manifested themselves beside Cas. Crowley made a move to step closer to him, but stopped when Dean shouted, "Get the hell away from him."

"I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request, sweetheart. In fact, I find the notion of a universe where _you_ give _me_ orders laughable." Crowley continued to move closer to Cas and placed a hand on the angel's shoulder. Dean opened his mouth to protest repeatedly, but was unable to think of a retort quick enough.

Cas raised his hands in gesture meant to placate the hunter. "Dean, it's alright. In this matter, we are business associates." The tension could have been cut with a knife, glares all around. Neither the Captain nor his wolfish grin could put the Hub at ease again.

"What do you mean business associates?" Sam asked hoping a logical and very nonromantic explanation would prevent his brother from either rekilling or unresurrecting the demon.

Gabriel answered in his most serious tone, the one usually reserved for delivering dire messages of desolation and despair, "You see, when an angel and a demon both love existing very much, sometimes they close their eyes and wish really hard and that prevents the apocalypse. OR they decide to work together to find a way to break into Purgatory and get an army capable of stomping the crap out of the other side. We currently have the same end game. We work together today, so we can battle each other tomorrow. By the way Sammy, love the hair. So flippy. Have you been working out? Seriously, I feel like you could bench press me, but may need to wait until later." Gabriel winked, Sam blushed, and the others laughed, which fortunately meant the tremendous overflow of testosterone faded and they began to discuss the details of the plan.

****~~*The Jig Is Up, The News Is Out*~~****

Sam furrowed his brow, "I don't get it. If all you needed was for us hop a plane and do whatever it is that we are here to do, then why have us hunt alphas?"

"Because even an infinite improbability drive needs coordinates." Dean saw all the shocked faces and dropped jaws, "Seriously, I read. Why is that _so_ hard to believe?" The outburst was met with silence and the complete inability for anyone to look Dean in the eye.

The alarm sounded as the cog door rolled open and Owen made his way into the Hub directly followed by Bobby aiming a shotgun that Dean seriously hoped was loaded with nothing more than rock salt. The hunter shoved the doctor to the side and locked eyes with Crowley. "Sorry, I'm late boys. Traffic was murder. Now, I got two questions and if I'm not satisfied by your answers, there is going to be one less demon to worry about."

Crowley stepped closer to Bobby, "Anything for you, love." He raised his head in a predatory manner.

"What's a matter, you afraid that all those souls won't follow you? You need the boys to convince them to follow you? If that's the case, tricking them into following you is just cowardly."

"It seems these days, that the Winchesters are the guests of honor at everyone's parties, why should this be any different?"

Bobby raised the gun and pointed it at Crowley, "That didn't sound like an answer to me."

"Yes. We need them to help with our 'recruitment' process. If anyone can understand abandonment issues, it's the Winchesters. What do you think is going on in Purgatory now that Mommy Dearest is gone? Plus, we are almost guaranteed that Raphael will attack as soon as he senses the influx of our army. Next?"

"Exactly when were you going to tell me that you are more than a pile of ash? Damn it, you cannot even imagine what I have been going through. You were gone. You, the King of Hell, were gone and nothing. I have a house full of waistcoats and good scotch, but not the one thing I wanted. I would have killed Cas if he had dared to come near…" Bobby was cut off as Crowley closed the distance between them.

Everyone, but Jack quickly turned and gazed intensely at the wall. No matter what they heard, no one dared to think about what any of the sounds indicated, except Jack, who snaked his arm around Ianto's waist and whispered, "That was kind of hot."

"Cariad, I was going to tell you as soon as it was safe. If this plan works properly, then we would have installed a stable regime in Heaven and Hell and unless new plots emerge there would be no worry of attack for at least five months, maybe longer. I was going to come back home as soon as this whole mess was sussed out. I'm doing this for us, Robert. If you knew where I was, then they could have hurt you to get information." There was more of the suspicious noise and Dean began to hum _Nothing Else Matters_. "Okay kiddies, mummy and daddy are finished. You can turn around now."

Bobby glared, "I better not have been 'mummy' in this scenario." They all slowly turned around, aside from Jack, who had never averted his eyes and was still gazing with a wolfish grin on his face.

"Petal, I wouldn't dream of making any statement that questions your masculinity." Crowley looked sincerely into Bobby's eyes, "Love, did you really think there would be a way to kill a demon that a badass hunter like you wouldn't know about?" He took Bobby's hand into his, "You are so utterly adorable, when you're being indignant."

"Listen, I love demon/hunter schmoop as much as the next guy, but we're a little busy at the moment." Really, in what world was Gabriel the responsible one? This one apparently. He brought their little Rebel Alliance together and got them back on track working that sweet old Enochian magic. As the last of the incantation was uttered Gabriel turned to the others, "This, really is the absolute end, the final chilling desolation in which the whole majestic sweep of creation will most likely become extinct or we will rock our awesomeness and get to do this all again in about a year for Apocalypse 3: The Wrath Of Me. Either way, this, ladies, gentlemen, hunters, angels, and demons, is the proverbial 'it.' Fingers crossed and a quick shout out to Daddy." Gabriel winced. "And Becky."

As if on cue, the room seemed to be filled with smoke, the haze was everywhere and with no visible point of origin. Gradually it pooled into a central mass that swirled and generated a vortex of hazy blues and deep purples. The rift alarm blared as a hand sliced through the center of the portal. After a momentary struggle, the rest of the demon was visible. Black eyes searched the room and landed squarely on the Winchesters. "Shit," the demon grumbled.

****~~*But When They Told Me About Their Side Of The Bargain, **

**That's When I Knew That I Could Not Refuse*~~****

As their guests steadily streamed in from Purgatory, it became clear that the current venue was not large enough to contain them. Jack indicated for everyone to follow him and they were all whisked to the lower levels of the Hub, which contain the ballroom – When half of your job depended on being the perfect host to any alien the rift decided to throw at you, then you have to be prepared for any occasion. Plus, Ianto is so enchanting when he waltzes.

After everyone else had filed into Torchwood's own grand dance hall, Dean and Sam made their way to the stage. The brothers exchanged an anxious glance and Dean stepped forward, "Listen, I know that most of you were stuck in that hell, because you were killed by hunters like us…or I guess, maybe even killed by us, and now, we drag you up here to ask for your help. I get it. I do. We can't change the past and to tell the truth, I wouldn't want to…" Sam elbowed Dean hard in the ribs, "Hey! What we have to focus on is the present. You mooks help us and we all get to continue to exist." Silence met what Dean felt was a well delivered call to arms. "Really? I don't see you getting any better offers." Many of the assorted demons, beasties, and creatures of the night began to shuffle towards the exit. "I wouldn't mind killing you ALL again, you know. Sam, throw me the…" Dean found himself unable to make a single sound as Crowley shoved him unceremoniously to the side.

"Never send a grunt to do the work of a salesman. All mouth and no trousers." Crowley cleared his throat and with a thought he manifested a spotlight, "Ladies, gentlemen, and fiends of indeterminate gender, what we have here is a mutually beneficial opportunity. As Mr. Winchester so _eloquently_ expressed, our working together would ensure our mutual existence if we win, but under my reign there would also be considerably more perks than just existence. I would offer you all a place in Hell and if you prove yourself, then there would be work furloughs and recreational trips to the surface. We have a myriad of apprenticeship opportunities and of course, the chance to climb the corporate ladder. What it all comes down to is helping me help you. Be my minions. Help us crush the angels, demons, and bring Mommy Dearest back home. Let's stop the re-apocalypse, shall we?" The surrounding big bads didn't seem convinced, so Crowley being Hell's greatest salesman offered the one thing he knew would seal the deal, "There is also the added benefit of revenge to those who have wronged or dispatched us prematurely." His eyes casually flashed to the Winchesters, "As soon as the current battle is finished, of course." The demonic war cry could be heard for miles. "First things first, we need complete the necessary paperwork." Crowley quickly applied some chapstick and moved to the front of the demonic procession to finalize all of the new employment contracts.

****~~*****White Demon, Where's Your Selfish Kiss?*~~****

Bobby fumed in the corner and refused to even glance in the direction of so called business negotiations. He was a reasonable man and he knew that this relationship with Crowley was unconventional. Sometimes he couldn't fathom the reasons they were together himself, but they were happy. Hell, the morning after their first official date, Bobby had stopped carrying the bullet in his pocket. Being alive wasn't just about a promise he made to Dean anymore, it was about waking up to a new adventure and getting to experience it with the one you love. However, the adventure where the one you love spent endless hours making out with practically everybody right in front of you was a little too much to take, even if it was just part of his job.

"You look like a man that could use a drink." Bobby turned to face the speaker. "Captain Jack Harkness."

"Bobby Singer. You got any whiskey?"

"Follow me." Jack led the hunter up to his office and brought a bottle of the good stuff. "So, you and Crowley huh?"

"What of it?"

"Nothing. Just that it must be exciting."

"It has its moments."

Jack couldn't hold his tongue, "Sorry, I just have to ask, how do you feel about what just happened? I mean, he practically offered all you hunters up on a silver platter."

Bobby smirked, "You know what they say, 'the devil's in the details.' Nobody ever bothers to read the fine print before signing. The sub-clause A is kind of Crowley's specialty. In this case, the employees will only be able to handle their assigned tasks, which I assure you don't include any hunters, unless they choose to sell their souls. Really, the kissing is the only part that bothers me, but I get it. He doesn't trust any demon not to double-cross him. It's the nature of the job."

Ianto suddenly appeared in the doorway, "Sir, we are receiving some very strange readings. Our guests are fairly certain this is the battle they've been waiting for."

The captain stood and Ianto helped him with his coat, "Bobby, you guys can ride with us, but I don't think we can transport all the cavalry."

"I wouldn't worry too much about them. Lead the way."

****~~*Fire Away, I'm Still Hearing Phantom Waves*~~****

All the months of gloom, doom, and making angels go boom had finally come to a head in a field just outside of Cardiff. Apocalypse 2: Return Of The King Of Hell was a go. Gabriel, Crowley, and Castiel walked the line psyching up the troops, as the Winchesters and Torchwood 3 watched. Dean couldn't help picturing Cas as William Wallace when he gave his awe-inspiring freedom speech. In fact, Cas should probably invest in the blue face paint for all angelic battles, because it really made his eyes pop. Of course, the trench coat was probably better suited to battle than a kilt, more pockets meant more weapons.

The air around them crackled will with electricity, as the generals made their way to the center of the field - Meg, Balthazar, and Raphael on one side and Crowley, Gabriel, Castiel, and the Winchesters on the other. At first they just silently sized each other up, each waiting for the other to make the first move.

"Balthazar." Castiel coolly greeted the angel. Dean immediately stepped to Cas' side, close enough that their shoulders were touching.

"Castiel, aren't at least a little surprised to see me?"

"No, you have always been a loyal steadfast mercenary and when presented with an opportunity to save yourself, I anticipated this would be your move. I believe the saying is 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' You were a beneficial pawn in distracting Raphael."

Balthazar placed a hand over his heart, "You wound me, which is not to say you aren't completely correct, but I really had no other recourse. Raphael finally caught up with me. Being the generous brother that he is, he allowed me to choose between your complete and utter evisceration and mine. Naturally, I chose self-preservation. Thanks for the whole free will thing by the way, Cassy."

Raphael stepped between them, "Brothers, brothers we needn't go any further. Surrender to us now and we can ensure your families a place in paradise. Unfortunately, you have forfeited the right to go there yourselves." He suddenly pulled his sword and thrust it at Cas, only to be thrown to the ground by none other than the archangel, Michael in the visage of a young John Winchester. Standing at Michael's right was Lucifer in the form of Nick. Dean breathed a sigh of relief that neither was wearing Adam and he hoped that didn't mean the worst for his youngest brother.

"Michael and I have spent a great time conversing with young Adam and we realized that we have spent so much time at odds with each other and that we have forgotten what it truly means to be brothers. We have decided that it is time to return to working together to appreciate the beauty of our Father's work. However, Michael and I will be going on sabbatical much like our Father has done. Castiel and Crowley have both proven resourceful and wise beyond their years. They will continue to lead our new cooperative regime with our dearest brother Gabriel acting as liaison."

Meg stumbled forward, "Master, no. This isn't how this is supposed to happen. We can win. You could rule Heaven, Hell, and Earth."

Sam took a deep breath before turning the full power of bitchface #667 better known as '_Demons -_ _Why Is It Always Demons,'_ "If you love him so much why don't you marry him?"

Meg paused, "Master, I…"

"Meg," Lucifer gazed longingly at the now blushing demon. He stroked her cheek and pushed her hair behind her ear. She nodded permission and as his lips covered her's. A cage with bars made of pure black flames rose from the ground. The door swung open and Adam Milligan walked free. Lucifer quickly swept Meg into his arms and carried her inside. Seconds before dissolving back into the ground, a small "do not disturb" sign appeared on the cage door.

Adam move towards his brothers, "Guys, I know we didn't ever get to really know each other, but I wanted to say thanks. I know I was eaten by ghouls, resurrected by angels, made into a meat puppet, and pretty unceremoniously thrown in to fiery torture cage in Hell, but it meant a lot that you came back for me. I wish we could have known each other, but I don't belong here. I want to go see my mom. Maybe, kick dad's ass for keeping you guys a secret. So, I guess this is it. I'll see you on the other side, but not too soon." He hugged both his brothers and shot them a cocky grin, "Just yell when you need me to bail your asses out of another apocalypse," and then Adam faded gradually away.

The Winchesters knew they would always miss Adam, but it felt right. He had done more to save the world then he should have ever had to and he deserved his place in paradise. Plus, with the rate that Sam and Dean died, they would probably have the chance to visit him briefly in a few days anyway.

Michael addressed them all again, "Back to the issue at hand, in addition Lucifer and I will be requiring that certain members of our flock spend time among humans with their grace bound, in order to gain respect. This will specifically apply to Raphael and Balthazar. You've been very naughty. We have decided that you will spend this time in West Allis, Wisconsin. Once there, you will be in charge of a new Liberace museum."

It was weird enough for Sam to speak to Michael after everything and speaking to him while he was wearing a younger version of his father was extremely awkward, but it didn't stop him, "Why Wisconsin exactly?"

Michael tilted his head in a way which would have been adorable if Cas had done it, but was slightly threatening coming from the archangel. "If you must know, there were two reasons. First, your motel room is paid up for the rest of the week. Second, Adam showed us the movie _Dogma_ and we felt Wisconsin would be fitting."

Sam nodded, "Good enough."

Michael snapped his fingers and he, Balthazar, and Raphael vanished. Dean suddenly couldn't stop himself and he surged forward grasping Cas in a crushing embrace. Every time he blinked he saw a flash of Raphael's sword and thought how close they came to a very unhappy ending. He held the angel until they heard someone clear their throat and Dean practically jumped six feet from Cas. They turned to see a young girl in a white dress.

"I believe you've been looking for me," the Mother of All said sweetly. They all went for their weapons, but she raised her hand to stop them. "I've not come here for that. You don't understand what it's like for me. My children and grandchildren must literally die before they visit. Do you know what that's like? So, I got my sweet dragons to find me a body and bring me up for a visit and what do I find? They're always fighting. Always hurting each other. So, I made a new child, hoping this one would be different, that this one would work with our family. I was wrong. I want family dinner where no one dies before dessert."

Sam fixed her with his saddest puppy eyes, "Have you tried talking to them? Maybe if you let them know how much the fighting hurts you and that you'd like to see them more, maybe that would help. You could look into family counseling and maybe arrange a Thursday afternoon tea."

Gabriel spoke in an unusual moment of seriousness and compassion, "I have a lot of experience with family conflict and I would be willing to offer my services to assist you in the area of conflict resolution."

She looked at them gratefully, "Thank you. I just want my family to be a family."

"You know," Crowley straightened his waistcoat, "if you ever need something to fill the hours, we are always looking for help in our Demonic Resource Department. We could do an interview next week."

"I think I'd like that. If it is all right with everyone, I'd like to go home now." The Mother of All disappeared leaving behind the girl she had been possessing. Castiel and Gabriel healed her and mojo'd her back to her life.

****~~*** **The Call To Arms Was Never True, Time To Imbibe, Here's To You, I'll Tell You Stories Bruised And Blue, Drum Machines And Landslides*~~****

In keeping with the great hunter tradition, they all made their way to the nearest pub. Dean decided to pay for the first round and Ianto walked with him to the bar. "Listen, I'm, you know, sorry about attacking you. That isn't the way I normally start a…business relationship." Dean paused and smirked, "Hell, you know what, that is how I normally start business relationships."

"I think it the normal start to any business partnership in our line of work." Ianto grinned.

"The first time I met Cas, I shot him _repeatedly_ and then stabbed him through the heart. So in a way, I guess a poorly executed attempt to choke you was the equivalent of a friendly handshake." They grabbed the freshly poured pints, then made their way back to the table.

Saving the world, averting the apocalypse again, and having a few beers made talking shop more fun. They exchanged slightly exaggerated stories of angels, demons, and all manner of Earthly beasts for tales from the rift, aliens, and the joys of Myfanwy and Janet. Nobody was sure who brought up cannibals, but the overall consensus of the group was that cannibals suck. Dean launch into the story of their run in with the Benders, "…And for like ten minutes there, I was pretty damn sure the only way I was ever gonna leave that house was as a vest." This naturally led to the tale of Jack as a glorious white knight on a tractor.

And so went the night, just a bunch of friends throwing back a few pints after a hard day at work. The next morning before the hunters made their way back to the states, they developed a system to keep in touch and exchange information. Well, Tosh developed a system and taught them all how to use it.

****~~*Hello Again, Friend Of A Friend, I Knew You When **

**Our Common Goal Was Waiting For The World To End*~~****

Raphael had chosen to work the information desk at the museum while Balthazar led the tours, which meant that he would be able to wear his trademark suit. Balthazar on the other hand was relegated to skintight trousers, sequined capes, and feather boas. It was only fair, because when you look at it objectively, Balthazar had been much more disobedient. At least that is what Raphael told himself as his brother entered the room looking like a disco-glitter-pirate-angel. "Stand still, Balthy. Your cape isn't straight."

****~~*I Wish He Was My Boyfriend. I'd Love Him To The Very End, **

**But Instead He Is Just A Friend. I Wish He Was My Boyfriend*~~****

So, you stopped the apocalypse twice and made your way back to the states - more importantly the cool curves and supple leather of the Impala- what was the first thing you did? Well, if your name was Sam Winchester, you ran off and got stuck in some bizarre rom-com timeloop with everyone's favorite candy loving scamp of an archangel. However, if your name was Dean, then you went on a hunt.

"Oh, yeah! Loving that office-y feel! All tiny cubicles, bad coffee, stress, TPS reports, and photocopying your butt. Hey, while we're here..."

Cas glared at Dean, "Bobby insisted that there was activity from a spell at these coordinates 200 feet above ground. That means this floor or the roof." There was an awkward pause in the conversation as they scanned the room. 

"How are you, Cas? Heavenly Sheriff of Area Five and all. The other angels playing nice?" 

The corner of the angel's lip quirked up, "All the better for being back with you, Dean. 

"Can we maybe drop the vague attempts at formality, now? While we were away, I was thinking, maybe we could, now that this is all done, dinner? A movie?" 

Cas tilted he head, taking a moment to study Dean's face, "Are…you asking me out on a date?" 

"Interested?"

"Well, as long as it's not in an office and there isn't a third attempted apocalypse."

"Was that a yes?"

"Yes! Yes."

They quickly searched the office and found the witch in question and ganked her. Thus the delicate balance of chick flick and violence against evil was restored in Dean's world.

****~~* I Just Gotta Get Off My Chest, That I Think You're Divine*~~****

Sam is still somewhat sketchy on the details of how it happened, but one minute he was with Dean heading back home and the next he is stuck in a tiny, minuscule, microscopic apartment with Heaven's least angelic angel, Gabriel. The first day hadn't been that bad, for the most part they avoided each other and read…well Gabriel read and Sam stared at him from the corner of his eye. It was too bizarre to watch Gabriel sitting quietly with his legs pulled up on the couch, a book clutched in his fingers, and mug of hot cocoa. Unfortunately, due to the fact that angel don't require sleep and are very accomplished speed readers, Gabriel was bored by day two and Sam became the target of all of his practical jokes. Where did the phrase even come from, because from Sam's point of view none of what was happening was particularly practical?

It started put small at first; Sam woke up wearing hot pink flannel pajamas covered in rainbows and unicorns. Then all of the vegetables in the apartment were replaced by marzipan in the shape of the wholesome goodness that they once were. Sam's clothing was replaced with Gabriel approved choices. His shirts all had pictures of the archangel and accompanying slogans like With Wings, Objects Are Bigger Than They Appear, Gabriel's Too Sexy For This Shirt, As Seen On TV, Hells Yeah, I'd Mojo That, and Sam's least favorite, the one he was currently being forced to wear, World's Greatest Lover.

Sam picked up the book on Aztec rituals he had been reading from the coffee table and found that it was now filled various works of fanfiction all starring him with various acquaintances, but usually Gabriel. Luckily, the angel spared him and the book didn't include any stories that involved him and Dean in any non-brotherly activities. Some of the stories were surprisingly entertaining, though the majority did conclude with him and Gabriel in some sort of love crazed snuggling with a side order of wing!kink. Granted Sam knows he should have stopped reading them when he realized what the stories were, but he was bored. Okay, maybe he was starting to stare a Gabriel in a way that may or may not be reminiscent of Dean and Cas and he had started to notice things like how melodious Gabriel's laugh was and how adorable Gabriel looked when he smirked.

"Hey Sammy, is that book interesting?"

Sam is pretty sure his face is so red that it would glow in the dark as he turns from the book to see Gabriel. "Uh…I haven't finished it, but it is intriguing. Cas would be the perfect stressed book editor. In fact, if he ever decides to resign as sheriff and, you know, learns some cultural references, then he should look into it. And I really liked the one where Dean bought me a toy car to replace the one Cas crushed. It's just such a Dean thing to do."

"Have you gotten to the one where I'm a knockout jazzercise instructor and you secretly pined for Jane Fonda throughout your adolescent, so naturally, you lust after for me in all spandex clad glory?" Gabriel waggled his eyebrows suggestively and moved to sit on the arm of the chair Sam was currently occupying.

"Must have missed that one."

Gabriel pouted, like actually pouted like a small child would do if you took away his favorite toy. For some completely insane reason that Sam is determined to blame on malnutrition, marzipan just isn't healthy, and sleep deprivation from his general existence as a hunter; he really wanted to drag his thumb across Gabriel's bottom lip. Sam was prepared to live in perpetual denial, but then he thought what the hell. If living through the apocalypse makes you want to reach out, grab your angel, and kiss him senseless, then Sam decided to just go with it.

****~~*** **Could I Sit Alone And Ask About My Future*~~****

Michael sat stiffly on a park bench. He tried to find ways to fill the hours, but always drifted back to the park. It was a peaceful place to observe the glory of his Father's work and to unobtrusively observe different types of human interactions.

A woman suddenly approached and sat beside him, "Hi, I'm Lisa. You're an angel right?"

"What do you know about angels?"

"I knew a hunter once; it seems like a lifetime ago. I know that an angel saved him and they fought to save the world. I guess, I just want to say thank you."

"I don't think I'm the kind of angel you want to thank." He paused looking out at the children playing, "It's strange. I have been in charge for so long, taking care of my siblings and now they are handling everything. I don't really know what to do with myself."

She smiles sweetly, "How do you feel about watching a baseball game? I can't promise you anything more than a hot dog, flat Coke, and a chance to cheer for my son."

"I think I'd like that."

****~~*Your Brown Eyes Are My Blue Skies*~~****

On one of his rare evenings off, Owen decided to take a walk by the bay before he would inevitably end up in the seediest pub he could find. He walked by the same little jewelry shop that he past almost every day on his way to and from the Hub, but today he felt compelled to go in. His eyes immediately fell on a delicate blue pendant. His thoughts immediately turned to Tosh and before he realized what he was doing, he had purchased the pendant and was walking in the direction of her flat.

What Owen hadn't noticed was the endearing cherub impeccably dressed in a cloud, suspenders, and come-hither black rimmed glasses, who was currently putting away his bow and arrows after another job well done.

****~~*Hold You In My Arms, I Just Wanted To Hold, You In My Arms*~~****

Jack bellowed through his open door, "Ianto my office."

Ianto made his way up the stairs and leaned against the doorframe taking in the Captain's appearance, he was dressed in a soft green flannel shirt and wearing a trucker hat. Ianto raised a skeptical eyebrow and attempted to school his features, but a small laugh escaped him.

"What? Too much?"

Ianto flushed, "Slightly, sir."

****~~*Never Opened Myself This Way, Life Is Ours, We Live It Our Way All These Words I Don't Just Say And Nothing Else Matters*~~****

By the time Bobby made it home, the place was immaculate and Crowley, who had donned his "Kiss the Cook" apron, was setting the table. "Darling, you're just in time."

At that moment Bobby knew this was exactly what his Heaven would look like and yes, he got the irony that his Heaven includes the King of Hell, but that didn't make it less perfect. They ate and had their after dinner scotch cuddled by the fireplace. Once they finished, Bobby reluctantly got up and made his way into the kitchen, "Get your ass in here. You better not think one measly little gold star on a job evaluation means you don't have to help with the dishes."

"You called, precious." Crowley turned on the radio and made his way over to the sink. They both stood side by side wearing pink gloves that Bobby would never admit to owning, and washed the dishes as they sang along to the music.

****~~*Whenever I'm Alone With You, You Make Me **

**Feel Like I Am Home Again*~~****

Cas and Dean sat across from each other in a crowded Italian restaurant. Dean watched the angel fidget and was debating the cause for Cas' nervous energy. Cas was still in charge of Heaven, but he had instituted a system of checks and balances that ensured things went much smoother. Dean was about to threaten Cas with a sedative when the angel slid an emerald green ring box across the table. "Gee Cas, this is so sudden. I thought I'd have to at least take you out a couple more times before you popped the question."

"Just open the box, Dean" Cas growled.

Dean nimbly opened the box and saw his amulet. His fingers shook slightly as he removed it and slipped it over his head. The familiar weight settled against his chest and he thought of all they had fought through to get to this point and before he could stop himself he said, "I love you."

"I know," Cas answered with a very wicked grin.

_**Pop Culture References:**__ The World: Incalculable – Castiel: 1_

****~~*Epilogue*~~****

Baziel sat astride a unicorn on the top of a mountain overlooking a great green valley reading from the _Hunter's Guide_ and reflecting on all that had occurred. Even if he would never be a main character, it was worth the effort to have been a single page in the epic story of the second apocalypse. A rainbow graced the horizon and the cherub knew that everyone one would live happily ever after - At least until Apocalypse 3: The Wrath Of Gabriel, when they would totally do is all over again, but way more awesome.

****~~*References*~~****

**Look At All The Pretties I Don't Own:**

_Supernatural_ belongs to Eric Kripke

_Torchwood_ belongs to Russell T. Davies

_Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy_ belongs to Douglas Adams

_Romeo And Juliet_ belongs to William Shakespeare

_Star Wars_ and _Indiana Jones_ belong to George Lucas

_Dogma _belongs to Kevin Smith

**Fanfics Referenced: **

Red Ink by strange_quirk

Plastic Piece Of Crap by hezio2

Got My Wings by mizra

**Chapter Songs:**

1. Elliott Smith – First Timer

2. The Killers – Read My Mind

3. Cass Elliott – Dream A Little Dream Of Me

4. Elliott Smith – Between The Bars

5. Elliott Smith – New Disaster

6. White Lies – Death

7. Manchester Orchestra – I've Got Friends

8. The Killers – Smile Like You Mean It

9. Nirvana – About A Girl

10. The National – Mistaken For Strangers

11. Elliott Smith – Placeholder

12. Death Cab For Cutie – You Are A Tourist

13. Placebo - Blind

14. Silversun Pickups – Surrounded (Or Spiraling)

15. Elliott Smith – Angeles

16. Brandon Flowers – Crossfire

17. Styx – Renegade

18. Elvis Costello - (The Angels Wanna Wear My) Red Shoes

19. The Killers – A White Demon Love Song

20. Kathryn Calder – Arrow

21. Placebo – Follow The Cops Back Home

22. Metric – Black Sheep

23. Best Coast – Boyfriend

24. Placebo – Drag

25. White Lies – A Place To Hide

26. Warpaint – Undertow

27. Muse - Starlight

28. Metallica – Nothing Else Matters

29. The Cure – Love Song


End file.
